How Often Should Adoptive Families Send Updates to Their Child's Birth Mom?
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How Often Should Adoptive Families Send Updates to Their Child's Birth Mom?
It's one of the most common questions in open adoption.
How often is too often? How long is too long to wait? Is once a year enough? What if she never writes back — should you keep sending?
There is no single right answer. But there are some really helpful guidelines that can take the guesswork out of it — and help you stop overthinking and start connecting.
Why the Frequency Question Matters So Much
Because guilt lives in the gap.
When too much time passes between updates, something quietly shifts. What started as "I'll write next week" turns into "it's been three months — now it's awkward." And then the longer it goes, the harder it feels to restart.
The frequency question isn't really about a number. It's about having a rhythm that feels sustainable so that communication never fully stops.
What Adoption Professionals Generally Recommend
Most open adoption counselors and social workers suggest a minimum of 3 to 4 updates per year for families in open adoptions. That breaks down to roughly once per season — which is very manageable when you have a plan.
But here's what matters more than hitting an exact number: consistency over quantity. A birth mom who hears from you four times a year, reliably, feels far more connected than one who gets a flood of messages one month and then silence for eight months.
Predictability is a gift.
A Simple Rhythm That Works for Most Families
If you're not sure where to start, this four-times-a-year rhythm gives you a natural structure:
Back to School — September This is a natural milestone. A new grade, a new backpack, a new teacher. Share a photo. Tell her what your child is excited about and what they're nervous about. Birth moms love knowing these details.
Holiday season — November or December A warm check-in during the holidays. What traditions does your family love? What is your child obsessed with this year? What made them belly laugh recently? This is the easiest update to send because there's always something to share.
Their birthday — whatever month that falls This one is especially meaningful. Their birthday is a day the birth mom thinks about deeply. A card or update sent around their birthday — even just a few lines and a photo — means more than you know.
Spring — April or May A simple spring check-in. What are they into right now? What are they looking forward to this summer? Any funny moments from the past few months?
Four times a year. One per season. That's your whole plan.
What If You Want to Send More?
Go for it. There is no such thing as too many updates. If your child does something hilarious on a Tuesday in February and you want to share it — share it. A quick "had to tell you this" message is always welcome.
The four-times-a-year rhythm is a floor, not a ceiling.
What If Your Agreement Only Requires Once a Year?
Some open adoption agreements specify fewer updates — sometimes just once or twice a year. Even if that's your legal minimum, consider going a little beyond it when you can.
The agreement tells you what you have to do. Your heart tells you what you get to do.
That extra birthday card, that random Tuesday photo — those are the moments that build a real relationship over time.
What If She Never Responds?
This one is hard. You send updates faithfully and hear nothing back. It can start to feel pointless.
Here's what to remember: silence is not indifference. Birth moms who don't respond are often navigating grief, complicated emotions, or simply don't know how to reply. Your updates are still being received. They still matter. They are still read, and saved, and treasured — even when there's no reply.
Keep sending. You're not writing for a response. You're writing for your child's story.
The Easiest Way to Stay on Rhythm
The biggest reason families fall off their update schedule isn't lack of love — it's lack of a system. Life gets full. Months slip by. Before you know it a whole year has passed.
A few things that help:
Set four calendar reminders right now — one for each season. Label them "Send birth mom update." When the reminder goes off you don't have to think — you just do it.
Keep it simple. A prompted digital card takes about two minutes to fill out and delivers a beautiful, personal update straight to her inbox. No blank page. No overthinking. Just connection.
Send your first free digital card HERE — no payment, no commitment.
The Bottom Line
Three to four times a year is a great rhythm. Consistent beats perfect. And the best update you can send is the one that actually gets sent.
She is waiting to hear from you. Not for the perfect letter. Just from you.
- Annie