When Open Adoption Feels One-Sided
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You send the photos. You write the updates. You think about her on holidays, on your child's birthday, on random Tuesdays when something happens that you wish you could share.
And she doesn't respond.
Not in an angry way. Not in a way that feels like rejection exactly. Just... silence. Again.
If you've been carrying the weight of a connection that feels like it only goes one direction — you are not alone. And this feeling deserves to be talked about honestly.
The Loneliness of One-Sided Connection
There's a specific kind of loneliness that comes with reaching out again and again into what feels like empty space.
You're not just sending an update. You're extending a piece of your heart — and your child's heart — toward someone you deeply respect and care about. When that reaching isn't met with anything back, it can start to feel less like connection and more like performing a one person relationship.
You might start to wonder: Is this even worth it? Does she even want this? Am I the only one who cares about keeping this alive?
These are real questions. And they deserve real answers — not just reassurance that brushes past how hard this actually feels.
Why This Happens More Than You'd Think
Here's something important to understand — open adoption relationships are rarely symmetrical, especially in the early years. And that's not a flaw in your relationship. It's actually incredibly common.
Birth moms are often navigating things you can't see — grief that resurfaces unexpectedly, complicated feelings about receiving updates, life circumstances that make consistent communication difficult, or simply not knowing how to respond without feeling like they're overstepping.
None of that means she doesn't want the connection. It often means she wants it so much that engaging with it is complicated.
Meanwhile you're on the other side, doing the steady visible work of sending updates — and it can feel like you're the only one showing up.
You're Allowed to Feel This
Here's something that doesn't get said enough — it's okay to feel hurt by the one-sidedness. It's okay to feel tired. It's okay to wonder sometimes if it's worth continuing.
Feeling this way doesn't mean you regret the relationship or that you don't care about her wellbeing. It means you're human and you're showing up for something that asks a lot of you emotionally without always giving something back in the moment.
You don't have to pretend this feels easy. It's allowed to feel hard.
What This Isn't
This isn't proof that she doesn't care. This isn't a sign that the relationship is broken. And this isn't a sign that you should stop.
One-sided right now doesn't mean one-sided forever. Open adoption relationships shift over time — sometimes dramatically. A birth mom who can't engage much during a hard season of her life might reach out warmly years later. A relationship that feels quiet during your child's early years might become rich and mutual when your child is older and able to participate themselves.
You're not just building a relationship for this moment. You're building one for your child's whole life.
If the one-sided feeling has made it harder to keep sending updates — you're not alone in that either. Sometimes the hardest part isn't the silence on her end, it's finding the energy to keep reaching out into it. This is exactly why Cards that Connect exists. Instead of staring at a blank page wondering if it even matters, you open a card, answer a few simple prompts about your child, add a photo and send it in minutes. It takes the pressure off you — so showing up consistently doesn't depend on having the emotional bandwidth to write something from scratch every time. Download your first card free at writeitandrememberit.com.
What You Can Do With These Feelings
Let yourself acknowledge them. Don't rush past the hurt or the tiredness. Naming what you feel is healthier than pretending it isn't there.
Separate the relationship from the response. Your update wasn't wasted just because it wasn't acknowledged. It still reached her. It still matters. It still becomes part of the record your child will have someday.
Lower the emotional stakes of sending. When updates feel like a small simple gesture rather than a meaningful bid for connection that requires a response, the one-sidedness stings less. You're not asking for anything back. You're just sharing.
Talk to someone who gets it. Whether that's your agency, a post-adoption support group or another adoptive parent — this feeling is common enough that you don't have to carry it alone.
Keep your child's timeline in mind. What feels one-sided now is one chapter in a relationship that may span decades. Your consistency now is part of the story your child will read later.
To the Adoptive Parent Feeling This Right Now
You are doing something hard and good. Showing up for a relationship that doesn't always show up back in the way you hoped takes real strength.
It's okay to feel the weight of that. It's okay to wish it felt different. And it's okay to keep going anyway — not because it's easy, but because it matters.
She is more connected to your updates than the silence suggests. And your child is watching you model something powerful — showing up for people we love even when it's hard, even when we don't get an immediate response, even when love doesn't always look balanced in the moment.
That's not one-sided. That's just love, doing what love does. 💛